I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Found your dick twin last night
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize