When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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