my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
