My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
