Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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