somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
