I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Randomize
