I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
