i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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