i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize