the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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