I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
