i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
