it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
