When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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