You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
