and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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