Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
