I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
