I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
