You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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