I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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