My first STD was from a foam party
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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