You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
