I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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