Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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