how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
