I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
