Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
