I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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