I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
