While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
