No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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