Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I enjoy the company of your penis
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
