if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
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