i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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