girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
