Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
