I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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