you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
