if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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