I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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