WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
