4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Is Oprah even human
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
