I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
