I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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