The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
