She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize