highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
My vagina is very pro this idea
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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