yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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