Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
