I understand why you refuse to be sober now
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
