I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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