wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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