drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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