Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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