no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
