He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Randomize
