Can Purell be used as lube?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
