with your own penis?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
