i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just googled if crying burns calories
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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