You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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