sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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