I cockslap morals
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
