i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
