Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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