It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
