There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
